When Heroes Are Not Heroes

I was born on a little island connected to three other islands.

Here i have lived my life in joy and peace.

I have not done much out of my life, except educating me as a nurse.

I worked for some years and saw that the health care money did not provide enough to give the best care possible and i got into a depression. I got hospitalized in the psychiatric field and had to go out of work after a while. 

I spent my time being a mother, and that was what i loved the most.

You are often good at what you love the most.

I have lived peacefully and have not interfered with many people the last years.

Until 2012.

My son was then a grown up and i got into hospitalization and got very bad treatment.

Isolation for nearly three years.

I still wonder why ?

Something happen to you after three years without connection to the outer world.

My father died last year, and my grandma in January this year.

I walk the cemeteries and get in grieve over people i know being gone away without me knowing. It is like small shocks i have to except fast and lay away, to survive.

I am in a post depression after all i have been through.

You grow up and experience heroes in many fields of the system.

Helth Care, Police and The Army.

Also the King and the Government.

And finds out...

that they are not heroes.

The true heroes is the once suffering beside you.

Patients that are in problems that still has something to give, and save you're life.

There is a way people revile themselves in though times.

My strength is that i love still.

I feel love.

For my son, my cat, my bird and the horses.

And also patients that suffers beyond the knowledge known to the common man or King.

You grow up with a believe that the system will save you.

To a better life.

The truth is something different.

I slowly die of medication that i dont can take of severe side effects.

I have been an athlete and can now hardly walk to the beach where i live.

But people do show up and become heroes.

People you neve thought had the courage to be a hero.

The family renting me a farm are heroes.

They tell me about reality.

But they it is not in they`re hands to save me out of the system.

But they show me courage and the will to go on.

When the ones you have looked on as heroes breaks you down, 

and it cost the society more money than what i had earned as a nurse.

Why they keep me down i dont know ?

I ask that question all the time.

Dreams within dreams is that i wanted to work with IT and computing and owned a lot of good domains and had innovative ideas.

They could have been something.

But it is not the most important thing.

It is my son.

And the patients.

I have written a novel about making it through and make the best out of what you have.

Even though it is not much.

But it is possible to live even in great suffering.

You show who you are...

I showed myself in getting an overdose medication that nearly killed me.

I did not get mad.

I reacted not normal i think, but with kindness and understanding, but with suspicion, because something happened before i got the overdose.

Also my neck is ruined and it is in bad shape.

I got the form from the doctor yesterday. It has been hidden for over a year.

I can probably not ride more in my life.

It has costed over 50 million Norwegian Krone to get me into a bad health and poverty.

It has costed more treating me than what i would have earned as a professional nurse.

I am in a mental game. Where people play without no reason in what they are doing.

I know for what.

But can't write it here.

I write it in the book.

I hope to live for some more years.

I am innocent in what has happened.

The truth start to revile itself.