fredag 30. september 2016
Sleep Well
Life can be hard.
I have suffered for years because of something i dont understand.
People can spread rumors on different background
and it all runs out often in jealousy.
I start to understand who has done things towards me.
And there is no forgiveness in ruining other people lives.
I have been through 3 years of isolation and it has been torture.
I write a novel on my own on all the things happening and it is a biography to make people understand how hard it can be to suffer mentally
and that the system can create diagnosis.
I have had a lazy day today and slept a lot.
The cats has been playing outside and are in for the night now.
The hard facts are hard to meet, when you have been kind all you're life.
But money and fame can drive people to crazy behavior.
I still say :
" Dont show me the money, show me the man. "
It has costed over 50 million norwegian krone to ruin my life.
They could have given me the money so i could have started a farm with therapy for people suffering from mental illness.
torsdag 29. september 2016
Now I Am Happy I Dont Have Money
I think the world will ask a question soon :
" How much money does war cost ? "
There is terribly fights going on and children dies and it is horrible.
I got extremely depressed after reading the news.
Why war ?
There is so much to be said about it.
But why dont people see the clear way through and work for peace.
It has already gotten to far.
The world for me is a loving place with humanity.
Children write to the president in USA for peace and taking care of children.
It breaks my heart that the world dont follow the children.
They are our future and we need to find a way soon to peace.
I would have given my life for this.
I dont have much but i live a high quality life compared to people in war, hunger and refugees.
I ask the world why war ?
There should be enough people to care about peace and given peacekeeping missions to get the wars to end.
I found out that people with money often get to be liked a lot
but
why ?
They dont give enough to give world peace and equal living standards to the world.
I dont say that rich people should not have money.
But i wonder how they think when they use hundreds and maybe thousands of usd. just to get something good to drink. People dont have water some places in the world.
I wonder so much tonight about what is really going on in the world ?
I wish so hard for world peace and a happy planet for all of us.
People need to start to give away money and i think the most willing to give is people who has felt poverty themselves.
I wish so hard for peace, but it is not much i can do.
But what about the leaders in the world ?
If they only hang out with rich people and dont see the poverty and the social classes as one i dont want to believe the leaders of today.
Who will end war ?
Who has a heart big enough to give money away so that people can be saved over the whole world ?
I think the world has gone mad when women take up a loan to buy a bag.
We need to think globally and for the sake of our children.
We need to act now !!!
There is nobody to loose.
I cry for all the people at war and in war that serve they're mission.
But i believe when they have been there they all want home.
We need to create a planet that make a home for all of us.
We need it now.
I ask for the people to show humanity and kindness with helping out all the victims.
I hope you start today to think over the question :
" Why war when it is really easy to make peace ? "
It is the people with the right communication that can create world peace and end wars.
With love to you all.
I ask you to think over this.
And
Give away as much as you can.
Lets end poverty and make world peace together.
onsdag 28. september 2016
The Man Saving My Next Birthday
Is someone i care a lot about and have read nearly all his books.
It is
His new novel will be released at
September 26. 2017.
I really have problems with waiting upon that day.
Presence Of A New Day
When reality kick in it can bite you hard.
I have had a hard time the last time but overcome of help from known and unknown people.
Life is a mystery and i believe depression can be a source to great wisdom.
It is researched on that people reaching the age of 100 years old often has suffered from a severe depression and learned from the situation they have been in.
The true meaning of live occur when you see how little that can help.
Small gestures of love can reach you deep in the heart.
I have had a cosy night today, i have reviled a mystery and can't tell so much about that yet.
But someone saved my birthday for the next year.
I have something very exiting to look forward to.
I bought a bottle of wine and have been celebrating that hard times and the meaningless of life can come back with help from others.
Dare to ask for help.
We are 8 billion people on this planet and it should tell us that we are not created for being alone.
I have also gotten asked for if i want to work at a care center.
I look forward to that, but i am very tired of medication so i am not sure how it goes.
But i will give it a try.
Life can change for the better fast if you only hold on.
Suffering can give meaning that you can help others when you have lived through it.
It is help for all and dare to ask for help.
I have had a great evening and have a cosy state of mind.
Live you're life the way you want it and remember at hard times to lower you're goals so you make it through.
There can be created understanding and forgiveness in good talks.
Hidalgo trailer
Hold on to everything and ask for help when you have problems mentally.
After one week i am back in life and have gotten a little job at a carecenter.
mandag 26. september 2016
fredag 23. september 2016
I Have Had A Kind Day
I have had a kind day.
Hard times can be start of something new.
Small goals can keep you alive with lowering every step you go.
It is allowed to only be you.
I have had visitors today that gave me a very cosy time and left me with the presence of that they are still here with me. Always in my heart people and animals saving my life is forever.
I have done housework today and washed clothes and cleaned the floor.
I got a boukey ( i dont know the word ) with roses.
They are shattered in pink and off white.
I look at the small miracles in life and knows that the planet can be so beautiful that you think heaven is down here.
Buster is so safe and has started to play with me.
He is very though.
Teddy is kind and gentle and sleeps for the most.
Bought cats love music and Buster talks.
torsdag 22. september 2016
tirsdag 20. september 2016
mandag 19. september 2016
søndag 18. september 2016
Norwegian Poem : " Å Være Til "
I den verden som er i dag
finnes det kriger, sult og terror.
Jeg var redd.
Så redd alt som kunne skje.
Jeg kjempet for fremtiden til barna.
Lite skulle jeg ane om makt,
den som piner deg til dine innerste redsler.
Til Gud griper inn og leder deg
med faste steg i nytt håp.
Som former din veg og lar deg hvile
i
skyggene.
Du venter tålmodig på nytt liv.
Slik som bare du kan,
og du vet du kan tåle alt i de tre ordene :
" Jeg elsker deg. "
Da våkner dine sanser på ny
og ungdommen finner deg igjen.
I pusten fra havet.
I pusten fra himmelen.
Der du ser dine linjer blir tegnet,
selv i ditt ansikt.
Og du vet du er til
når havet former seg rundt kroppen din og forteller deg :
" Vær deg selv. "
Å elske er å være til,
selv på dager så tunge
at du trues med å gå under.
I nytt liv fra Guds kjærlighet
kan du se :
at selv mirakler finner sted.
Mona Kristin Roald
Buster Is Cured From Anxiety And Paranoia
Buster have been the most scared and paranoid cat i have ever seen. He was so scared that he stayed for two weeks under my bed. I had to feed him under the bed.
I lost in a while hope that he would be secure and healthy, but time is the best medication.
Today he is safe, comfortable and healthy and love and peace together with nice and good talks makes miracles.
I am so worried for the psychiatric treatment that mean that things can't heal.
It takes time.
The cats show me a healthy way through nursing that time and love together with understanding and letting the cats chose theire own tempo in healing.
Bought cats live now a happy farm life, they are secure, happy and comfortable cats that likes to be together with me.
Buster shows with lying like he does that he counts on me 100 % and is secure on me.
Miracles happens for all given the right treatment after the nature of the human or the animal.
I dont understand where the psychiatric treatment are in the head.
Buster was very scared in the beginning and is now very secure and the thoughest one of the cats.
He showed up to become very solid and strong.
He stayed outside a lot together with other cats.
lørdag 17. september 2016
I Wonder About Something ?
I laugh at the psychiatric treatment finding inspiration in others life stories.
I have a picture taken of me in 2003 that was to a exhibition on valentines day in the church.
It was only female artists.
This picture a nurse copied with me busted in the psychiatric unit.
Today i was at the beach while the sun setted in the ocean.
A man that works in the psychiatric unit i got copied was there together with a woman in a wedding gown and with male hat and jacket. It was wedding clothes.
It symbolized God i think. I am not sure. But i know this man knows a lot about me, and find inspiration in my history with a phantom.
fredag 16. september 2016
onsdag 14. september 2016
tirsdag 13. september 2016
I Want You To Live
No matter what has happened
God finds a solution.
Seek the gentle breeze in the sun
or the mystery of the rain.
Feel the presence of nature
and write down what you feel.
Wish for a dream to awaken
and dare to forgive and turn to you're family, friends or neighbors.
Know you are loved
Like a human that has never been on this earth before.
You have you're own magic journey in front of you.
The stars shine in the dark
and dare to turn off the outer world
with all its impressions and just be you.
Shower,
dress in comfortable clothes
and dare to eat food you desire.
So simple as a chocolate bar can save you.
Listen to music and go bare feet.
Feel.
The thoughts you have are to be washed away with love.
Dare to be needful and ask for help.
Dont give up.
You are loved.
Sleep Well
The day started with serious problem in getting up. I slept until 13:00 and was so tired i could hardly walk. It gives me experience i have never had how serious it is when you nearly have no will to live. You want to live, but thoughts are cluttered up. In past memories and a post traumatic depression after treatment. But i managed to make dinner and take a shower and wash clothes.
The weather today has been very good and i went to the nearby store for doing some shopping of groceries and food to the cats. People act differently but are in general kind.
I shopped jarn for nitting. I dont know the word in english but the autumn is here with darker evenings and it gives me time to knit. I am not so very good at it, but practice makes you better.
The cats have been out the all day and just come inside for food and water. They love the outdoor life here at the farm, and climb in trees and play around with each other.
It gets me in a good mood.
I bicycled two times today. Not so very long but enough to see that when i am in vitality and spirit i can make it better than i believe myself. It was refreshing to bicycle in the green fields.
I work with the little prince returns
and write poems.
I see that in my worse days of life i can make things with love and that in my core there is a great love for all that surrounds me.
Ted is very kind and comes inside to check on me that i am doing fine.
He is the kindest cat i have ever had and he gives me comfort and healing.
They are farm cats and is expanding they're territory and is kind.
To see how joyful they are and how much they trust me is healing.
It is worth writing down you're mood when you feel better from depression so you know that you can survive. In all my despair of the last week, i did not think i would make it through. But i did and also managed exercise. I sit now with a croissant, coffee and chocolate and know by a heavenly relieve that pain and depression can go over. I know i will struggle until i am off medication, or change to a better medication that i can survive.
Thanks to kind people around me and my pets i survive.
I feel peace and comfort and relieve of pain.
The surprise in this is that it can give you the best moments of you're life when you get relieve in pain. Because you see true love and people that fights for you.
mandag 12. september 2016
How To Save A Life
Today was a hard day. I have no forces left and can hardly walk. I have suicidal thoughts and not the will to go on. It has taken a lot of me the treatment for years and it has given me anxiety, depression and PTSD. I can't get the memories of all i have been through under control. Together with the treatment and isolation i lost my father and my grandmother. I have not had the time to feel on the grieve because of all the treatment. And the quality is diverted. There is a huge gap in what the reality is and how the treatment is in the real life. There is enough tools in the literature and the science to save a life and get the skills to prevent suicide.
Today i had visit of the community treatment team and it became a hard time that nearly blew me off my feets. I had to sleep for hours after they had been here.
They refused to save my life. They said on my suicidal thoughts :
" What you chose to do with you're life is up to you. "
I felt she controlled me to suicide. I said :
" Do you want me to die ? "
" No " She said.
But she did not give me anything positive to hold on to.
They were not capable to talk about hope and the meaning of life.
I have written a nurse plan on my own and they dont manage to follow it.
I have explained there that the medication i am on give me suicidal thoughts and that i shall have security, hope and meaning and strengthening on my resources.
I told them to follow the nursing plan.
And she said : " You have to high demands on us. "
Is it hard to tell someone that has lost the will to live that there is hope and meaning in life. That even if it is hard to see it comforting words can save you.
The community treatment team left me in confusion, anxiety and anger in me.
I got shock of the treatment was so bad.
I called my mother and she came out to the farm after work. Together with my sisters dog. He was a caretaker and a little savior, bringing joy to me. The cats is used to dogs and wanted to be together with him. But he barked at them. I sat outside while my mother made dinner to me. She talked about hope and that we should find a way. I am going to a doctor that look on the psychiatric health field with different eyes. A doctor once said :
" The real thing for Mona is to rest and get comfort and security to heal. "
My mother talked good with me.
She cleaned the house while i was together with " Ruffen " the dog outside.
Afterwards we walked on the beach in the sunset. That gave me very positive feelings.
I get visit of a doctor on Wednesday and might get hospitalized if i dont manage to feel better.
I really need help and new medication and people around me that work for giving me security and hope.
I read on the net a treatment report about preventing suicide. It was written in 2008 and it should be read by the community treatment team that said :
" I have no good answer on why i can not help you. "
I hold on because of my son, my mother and the animals.
I sit and write a little bit better and with a feeling of peace.
But i know the thoughts will come to the night.
I hope that everyone can be saved and that health care workers hold up to the quality of they're professional skills. I went in shock and emptiness of what they did to me today.
I told them to sign off as professional workers when they just left me with nothing to say.
Hold on to all suffering. There is meaning and help can be found in family, friends and pets.
I will watch tv now and relax before i go to bed.
My mother turned it all around and got a doctor to me on wednesday.
søndag 11. september 2016
Norwegian Poem : I En Evighet
I en evighet ser jeg dine stjerner
de hviler over deg som Karlsvogna.
Verden er vakker og vi lever i en evighet
fra dag til dag.
Solen varmer deg på dagen
og hadde vi ikke visst bedre
kunne vi trodd at stjerner ikke fantes.
Men vi lever i vår evighet
og
ser stjernene om natten.
Hvorfor da være redd mørket ?
Det hviler for oss
for å fortelle oss at det alltid kommer en ny dag.
I stjernenes hemmelighet
kan vi lære
at vi aldri skal frykte mørket.
Seieren er at vi kan tenne lys
og vite at mens vi sover
ler Gud i himmelen.
Vi er skapt til kjærlighet
så vær heller ikke redd lyset
Det hviler i evigheten.
Mona Kristin Roald
lørdag 10. september 2016
On The Edge
I have had hard days on the edge of life. I can't write it all down because it hurts to much. But i have been clicked in the head of people and played with.
I was so down that i decided to get hospitalized.
I did not really want to because they always keep me in for a long time.
I took on a MacGyver T- Shirt with the text :
" Phoenix Foundation - research and development " and a siluette of a seagull.
Under the text it stood : Macgyver .
The doctors and the nurses did not remove my shoe laces and not the glass from the unit. I could easily have letting go it all.
But i thought of my son and the cats and the bird at home.
It saved me.
But after the first night the doctors said i could be signed out. They had never seen me so well before.
I did not understand a clue and they gave me permission to stay for three days. I needed that.
But people played games with me and it hurted a lot.
I came home all empty and without any forces left.
I watched a comedy that saved me.
And the cats and the bird are nursing me now.
I have it better at home.
I dont understand all the psychiatric treatment when people dont realize how seriously problems can be. I fight on with no forces left. I just exist and let the time flow like a time in the space where there is little to do of tiredness of medication.
But the doctor treated me good.
He told me to say : " Say hello to Barack Obama from me. "
I laughed but really did not understand so much, but a lot of things in my life has happened.
I am kind.
So kind that i feed butterflies.
Memories can save you and make you to remind you on the person you really are.
When people try to make you to something different.
I gave a butterfly honey for a while ago.
I will be up for more.
And tell people in psychiatric units :
" Be MacGyver "
and fight for you're right to live.
It can be hard when nearly no-one fights for you and you are alone.
But people and animals always love you.
Buster is more tame after i was away.
He has stayed inside with me all the time and he talks to me.
There is always hope in suffering, even though how hard it can be.
Yesterday was my hardest day ever.
But i hold on.
I was tired today,
but woke up with not so much emptiness.
There is hope and there is spirit even though how hard life can be.
But i dont understand the lack of empathy in people
that play with people on the edge of life.
It is really criminal.
mandag 5. september 2016
søndag 4. september 2016
The Little Savior Ted
Sometimes it is hard to find focus on what is important.
But Teddy has spent the whole evening sleeping and guarding my paintings on
" The Little Prince Returns ".
I have been out for mental tricking and manipulation but Ted saves me to recover with good friends on what is my true spirit and my future.
lørdag 3. september 2016
fredag 2. september 2016
How Hard Can It Be ?
How hard can it really be ?
To save the world ?
I ask questions and knows that people live they`re life in a lot of selfishness.
It is about giving.
I dont have much money.
In Norway i am seen on as a poor person.
But...
I give money every month to UNICEF, RED CROSS and
MEDICINE SANS FRONTIERES.
I ask a question ?
WHY ?
There is so much love in the world but we clutter it up with just wanting money, fame and sex.
People give theire life to theire bodies and beauty to go for the best thing.
And when they get it the problems starts.
It is reality.
We get problems.
Life is hard, but in friendliness with people or animals that loves you...
you can make a change.
By doing you're best in changing.
The psychiatric treatment are all about diagnosis and to screen people until they loose they`re meaning of life.
And given medication that really dont work.
What works is LOVE.
You can get you're best moments from animals and people that have humor and spirit to change you're mood and not be to serious all the time.
Why do all look at people as a danger,
and compete.
I dont.
I look at people as something joyful and filled with love.
There is so much fun in the world,
and the cats gave me a laugh today when they sat together on the stairs outside together and Ted slapped his brother friendly in the head.
They looked at each other friendly afterwards,
and i got filled with love and humbleness.
The cats are not afraid of me and dont bother if i get angry on them to draw limits.
They just look at me,
and i think they laugh.
Animals can save people.
And i call upon love for all mankind.
Why is it so hard to save the world ?
The Earth suffers right now.
It can be saved with that people get education and information about the world.
It is really code red.
There are wars, hunger, lack of water and diseases that are taking over the control over the world if we dont act now.
I try to do my best and save what i can save in my life,
even though i suffer from severe side effects.
The psychiatric treatment make my life a living hell,
and how hard can it be to tell a person to live and reach for you're goals and dreams.
I got treated mentally ill for a medical invention ?
I dont get the clue in this.
I write my whole nursing plan on my own,
the doctors and the nurses have not done it in years.
And the status :
They dont work after the plan ?
I am a big question mark in why i am the one treated when nobody does their jobs.
I am a big question mark in what is wrong.
Something tells me that i really dont wanna find out.
Give away what you can give away and know in you're heart you worked for a better life for someone.
I do.
And they dont get me ?
How hard can it be that i for the most of the day feel love for all,
and pray for people and the world.
I also pray for the horses and the animals i have around me.
I am on forced treatment because i have inventions and talks to myself because i dont find people intelligent enough to talk to.
I dont judge them,
but i have the right to life as everyone else.
My illness is more reactions on the reality,
that people have to grow up and see that the earth needs responsibility and care at once.
Try to live happily in all you're suffering and know that there is always someone saving you're life if you are holding on.
And sometimes the one saving you're life is you.
By thinking through you're problems and hold on to the love and kindness in you.
Hold on in all suffering and know that you are loved.
And
That someone cares...
I do care about you.
Live, Laugh and Love
3L
so be
LLL
and one more
Learning.
The 4 L for a happy life.
Hold on !
Never give up you're dreams.
The Art Of Saving A Life When Nobody Else Does
Today was a day i had to take in all my survival skills. It become a hard day. I suffer from fatigue of the medication i get and has a hard time in staying awake. It gives me a sense of meaningless in life. There is so much i want to do in the paradise i live in. I want to run by the beach, swim, go hiking, bicycle and walk. But i dont have energy to do it. I stay at home and have seriously hard hours. Today i was to the doctor at 11:00. It was my community doctor in the city. He was cold and did not respond to my mental problems. He said : " I am only in the charge of giving you physical treatment. " I explained my fatigue and said i had hard times surviving. He said i had to take all this with the psychiatric treatment team and the doctor there. But nobody there listens to me. They dont talk with spirit about meaning, presence in life and goals. I wrote all my nursing plan on my own because nobody else did it. And it should be done years ago. I dont understand all this. The doctor said : " Is it not therefore you are on forced treatment ? " " No " i said : " It is because i refuse to take medication. ". The doctor did not say more. I started to cry in despair, i was not so very upset. But i stood up for myself and said : " If the doctors dont save my life, who shall do it ? "
I did not get an answer from the doctor. He just sat down and said nothing.
I walked out crying and took a cigarette in the rainy weather and me and an assistant drove home. It was quiet in the car. I just said : " Why is it so hard to save a life, you should talk about hope and meaning. " I did not get so much wiser on her answers. Just that she was worried for me.
It can be so hard to show love to a human it seems like. I went home to the cats that took care of me. I went to sleep and the cats did not leave me.
And all the afternoon " Ted " has stayed together with me saving my life.
I have had some good phone calls and get courage to live on.
If it had not been for the cats i would not have existed.
They comfort me with love when nobody else does.
They save my life.
Abonner på:
Innlegg (Atom)