How To Save A Life

Today was a hard day. I have no forces left and can hardly walk. I have suicidal thoughts and not the will to go on. It has taken a lot of me the treatment for years and it has given me anxiety, depression and PTSD. I can't get the memories of all i have been through under control. Together with the treatment and isolation i lost my father and my grandmother. I have not had the time to feel on the grieve because of all the treatment. And the quality is diverted. There is a huge gap in what the reality is and how the treatment is in the real life. There is enough tools in the literature and the science to save a life and get the skills to prevent suicide.

Today i had visit of the community treatment team and it became a hard time that nearly blew me off my feets. I had to sleep for hours after they had been here.

They refused to save my life. They said on my suicidal thoughts :

" What you chose to do with you're life is up to you. "

I felt she controlled me to suicide. I said :

" Do you want me to die ? "

" No " She said.

But she did not give me anything positive to hold on to.

They were not capable to talk about hope and the meaning of life.

I have written a nurse plan on my own and they dont manage to follow it.

I have explained there that the medication i am on give me suicidal thoughts and that i shall have security, hope and meaning and strengthening on my resources.

I told them to follow the nursing plan.

And she said : " You have to high demands on us. "

Is it hard to tell someone that has lost the will to live that there is hope and meaning in life. That even if it is hard to see it comforting words can save you.

The community treatment team left me in confusion, anxiety and anger in me.

I got shock of the treatment was so bad.

I called my mother and she came out to the farm after work. Together with my sisters dog. He was a caretaker and a little savior, bringing joy to me. The cats is used to dogs and wanted to be together with him. But he barked at them. I sat outside while my mother made dinner to me. She talked about hope and that we should find a way. I am going to a doctor that look on the psychiatric health field with different eyes. A doctor once said :

" The real thing for Mona is to rest and get comfort and security to heal. "

My mother talked good with me.

She cleaned the house while i was together with " Ruffen " the dog outside.

Afterwards we walked on the beach in the sunset. That gave me very positive feelings.

I get visit of a doctor on Wednesday and might get hospitalized if i dont manage to feel better.

I really need help and new medication and people around me that work for giving me security and hope.

I read on the net a treatment report about preventing suicide. It was written in 2008 and it should be read by the community treatment team that said :

" I have no good answer on why i can not help you. "

I hold on because of my son, my mother and the animals.

I sit and write a little bit better and with a feeling of peace.

But i know the thoughts will come to the night.

I hope that everyone can be saved and that health care workers hold up to the quality of they're professional skills. I went in shock and emptiness of what they did to me today.

I told them to sign off as professional workers when they just left me with nothing to say.

Hold on to all suffering. There is meaning and help can be found in family, friends and pets.

I will watch tv now and relax before i go to bed.

My mother turned it all around and got a doctor to me on wednesday.